Tag Archives: Kathy Anne

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In the mood for philosophical thought

Waxing philosophical is not the normal grist that fuels this blog, but at this moment, I am in the mood for some of it.

So … here goes.

My mind and my heart have been traveling at light speed since earlier this month. I am realizing in real time how precious our time on Earth is and I am vowing privately — I guess now I am making it public — to make the most of the time I have left.

I wanted desperately to have more time to share adventures with my bride. That won’t happen now. I am left more or less to make do on my own. I will do that. Kathy Anne would insist on it. Indeed, she did insist on it once long ago as we talked about how we would proceed without the other one by our side.

She insisted that I stay focused on things that interest me and never stop pursuing them. As I recall that conversation, she made that statement in the form of a directive.

My two years in the Army long ago taught me to obey orders. I will obey hers.

I have known all along that our time on the good Earth is short. None of us gets out of here alive, as one of my newspaper colleagues used to say.

I am going to keep writing. I will finish, hopefully soon, a memoir I’ve been writing that I plan to leave for my sons. Kathy Anne pitched the idea to me about the time my career came to an unannounced end more than a decade ago. I think it’s about two-thirds done.

We liked to travel. I will do more of it. I have a couple of bucket-list destinations in mind: Australia is No. 1, followed closely by a photo safari to Africa. Don’t hold me to visiting those places. As I learned in horrific detail not long ago, fate can deliver an immovable obstacle without warning.

Life almost always teaches hard lessons. I have tried to be a good student of the “curriculum” that comes my way. This is the sternest test yet. I intend to give it every ounce of strength I can.

There. Philosophy lecture is over.

johnkanelis_92@hotmail.com

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Writing becomes addiction

Discoveries of oneself come at the most astonishing moments. In my case, my latest discovery comes at a time of intense personal grief.

I have learned that writing this blog is therapeutic. It is cathartic. It gives me comfort.

My beloved bride passed away on Feb. 3. Writing about the event and the journey on which I have embarked since then has filled me with an intense desire to keep writing on this blog, which I created so many years ago. It is full of archived text and pictures. I look back on much I have posted and am, frankly, amazed at the volume of material I have launched into cyberspace.

My chronicles about political matters and public policy remain the focus of this blog. I intend to keep firing away at those who deserve a brickbat or three from me. I also intend to offer bouquets to those who deserve a good word — or three — again, from me. High Plains Blogger isn’t limited to just those matters. I also want to offer “slice of life” observations, which I have done since the blog’s beginning.

I will beg the indulgence of those who read this stuff, as I will continue to write about my journey through grief.  Why do so? Because I know in the depths of my soul that many others have traveled along this path before me. They can relate to the pain I am enduring. I want them to know I salute their courage as they have found their way out of the darkness.

Therefore, I can think of no better venue — at least for me — than to put words into my laptop and send it your way. It’s good for me to write them and I hope it is good for those who read them.

johnkanelis_92@hotmail.com

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Turning a key corner

I had said in an earlier post I was going to back off my commentary over dealing with grief … but I now am going to renege on that statement with this brief post.

I want to declare to those who have been following my journey through the darkness after my darling bride’s passing from cancer that I am starting to turn a key emotional corner.

I am finding myself quite able to conduct business, to do certain tasks and — most importantly — to actually smile and laugh.

The only time I crack is when I talk about Kathy Anne, when I remember something about her, when I recall the love we shared, when I bring back memories of the glorious journey we took over the span of 51 years.

Indeed, I am welling up as I write those words.

However, I am sensing the start of a new normal for my life. I don’t yet know where it will lead me. I am confident, though, that I will find my way to the light. I am learning, too, to take it all one day at a time.

I have learned yet another valuable life lesson and something more about myself. It is that life must go on even as we deal with shocking, shattering loss. I am going through it to this moment and I am beginning to believe I can get through it.

johnkanelis_92@hotmail.com

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One more grief update …

OK, gang. I am going to give you one more brief update on my struggle with grief before I move on to other topics — at least for a little while.

The loss of my beloved bride a little more than a week ago has prompted me to make at least one command decision as I begin the long trek toward daylight at the end of this dark path.

I will hit the road, probably sooner rather than later. Toby the Puppy and I are going to climb into our pickup truck and go somewhere, probably out west toward the Pacific Ocean.

I have family out there and I have friends who live along the way. I want to see them. But more importantly — and I know that’s hard to fathom — is that I want to vacate the house I shared with Kathy Anne for the past four years.

Why? Because I see her everywhere in this house. Her cabinets with angels. Her wall decorations. The pictures she put out of our sons and assorted family members. My bride’s fingerprints are all over this place.

They will be there when I return. I know that I will have to look at what she left behind when I walk through the door. I believe in my heart I will be able to take it all in better than I can at this moment.

Of course, and this goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway), I never will cease remembering her and the life we shared for more than five decades.

We are going to have a memorial service on Feb. 25. That will occur in the church where we worshiped for two decades in Amarillo. I hope to see our many friends come to celebrate the joyful life my bride led and remember her as the faithful servant of God she was for her entire life.

After that? I’m on the road in search of that shining light.

johnkanelis_92@hotmail.com

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Time for cheer, not tears

We buried my bride today, saying goodbye to my partner of more than 51 years.

I am not going to dwell on the tears we shed today. There were plenty, to be sure. I want to speak briefly to the joy we felt coming from the woman who officiated over our ceremony.

The Rev. Mally Baum — who heads the staff temporarily at Trinity Presbyterian Church in McKinney — admitted she did not know Kathy Anne well, but knew her well enough to acknowledge what my family her many friends and I knew about her, which was that her belief in eternal salvation was real and was not something to show off. She felt it in the depths of her soul.

When we learned the day after this past Christmas of the cancerous tumor that would take her from us, Kathy Anne’s first words were, “We have to get it out of there.” That was a demonstration of the strength she carried with her. Through the ups and downs of our life together, I could depend on her to be strong. She kept that strength even as she faced what she no doubt knew could be a catastrophic illness.

Yet she maintained hope, which again is what her faith in salvation embedded in her.

One of my sons and I had spoken with Mally a few days ago about my bride, telling her about aspects of her life that she didn’t know. She took copious notes and today delivered a brief tribute to Kathy Anne that she packed with almost all the details of her glorious life.

We all shared some laughs and, yes, also some tears. My bride was a joyous individual, though, who spread kindness and joy willingly … and without a hint of self-regard.

As one of my sons noted in an earlier social media post about his mother, this collector of angels is now singing and dancing among the real angels.

I guarantee that the hereafter is a much happier place — if that is possible — with this latest angel among them.

johnkanelis_92@hotmail.com