How am I supposed to feel?

AMARILLO, Texas — Allow me this bit of candor, which is my admission that I do not know how I am supposed to feel upon returning to a city my wife and I called home for 23 years.

We moved to the Metroplex in early 2019 to be near our granddaughter, but my sons and I are gathered here to say goodbye to my dear bride, Kathy Anne, who passed away barely three weeks ago after a brief, but fierce battle with brain cancer.

Our granddaughter and our daughter-in-law have joined us for what we will call a “celebration of life” on Saturday that Kathy Anne led. We will be among many friends. They will offer their love for her they will remember her as a joyful servant to her Christian faith.

I find myself feeling wistful at times, wishing it were different, but knowing the brutal truth about why we have come back here.

Yes, my journey continues through this dark passage we call grief. I know there will be light. When I will see it remains an open question for my family and me. We miss her terribly. Our celebration will not be free of tears.

Joe Biden himself — a man who has experienced the painful loss of two children and a spouse — has said it well many times … that the tears we shed today will give way to a smile when we remember the loved one we have lost.

I am prepared to wait for as long as it takes for that moment to arrive. Right now? I am just preparing for what likely will be a day filled with as much pain as joy.

johnkanelis_92@hotmail.com

2 thoughts on “How am I supposed to feel?”

  1. I don’t think it’s something we ever get used to, but learn to live with. The pain shows it’s way back to us just when we think the grieving is over. It unfortunately is never over but we learn to move forward……. Slowly.
    This evening we will be having a get together with a friend that .out her husband 1year ago today.
    God bless you John.

  2. John,
    We just lost a dear friend to lung and brain cancer.we held a wonderful celebration of life for her. There was great music from friends…nothing sad or funeralesque…and tributes from husband , sons , daughters in law, sisters…We gathered into a central place all the people like spokes on a wheel. It was not religious, altho she was a very spiritual person. It was a healing ceremony for those of us who miss her so much. I lost a son at 27. I know grief…it hangs on and resurfaces at so many times…and sadly, time does make it easier. Now we are comforting her husband who, like you is suffering from the loss of her. I offer my only tiny piece of comfort…the sun will still come up tomorrow…you have to get back in the game somehow…you will in time. 🙏❤

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