‘War on Christmas’ about to commence

Listen up, my fellow Americans. Many of you are less than a week away from going to war. Against Christmas. Yes, I’m talking about you Black Friday shoppers.

You’ve heard the refrain from conservative media talking heads about the “War on Christmas.” They blame the “liberal mainstream media” for the open warfare, suggesting that the “happy holiday” greeting subverts the Christmas meaning.

It doesn’t do any such thing.

No, the real war on Christmas will be “fought” on retail sales floors all across the United States of America. The first shot in the next big battle in that war will be fired around midnight next Thursday/Friday. That’s when department stores fling open their doors to allow thundering herds of shoppers to pour into their buildings to look for their kids and grandkids’ perfect toy.

Here’s the best — or the worst part: There might be violence inside those department stores. Someone will grab the last fashionable toy off the shelf just ahead of someone who had his or her eye on the same item; they might exchange words, with the individual who wasn’t quick enough accusing the quick-draw artist who grabbed the item of cheating. They might exchange four-letter words and then fists might start flying.

Well, that isn’t exactly the Christmas spirit, is it.

But the war will commence anyway. Shoppers will tell media representatives about how chaotic this Christmas season has been. Some of them will bitch about the crowds and the rudeness of their fellow shoppers.

This will go on for a few days after the start of the Christmas Shopping Season.

I’m not shopping on Black Friday. I have many reasons for staying away. One of them involves the potential scenario I’ve just described. A more important reason is that my wife and I are accelerating our plans to relocate to points southeast of Amarillo, Texas; we’ll be too busy to do any Black Friday shopping.

Look, I get that some folks actually enjoy the pandemonium that occurs on Black Friday. I’m just one of them.

I made a pact with myself years ago to never again let Christmas get the better of me. I intend to go with the flow again in 2017 — of course, when I’m not doing what my wife tells me to do as we continue our relocation prep.

As for conservatives’ belief there is a liberal-led “war on Christmas,” I’ll simply say that it’s a canard. It’s a talking point.

What’s more, I take zero offense when someone wishes me a “happy holiday” when I make a purchase between now and Christmas.

What does offend me is the sight of the mayhem that is going to erupt on Black Friday.