{"id":58765,"date":"2025-08-24T00:00:11","date_gmt":"2025-08-24T00:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/?p=58765"},"modified":"2025-08-24T00:01:00","modified_gmt":"2025-08-24T00:01:00","slug":"learning-to-cope-with-pain-and-with-loss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/?p=58765","title":{"rendered":"Learning to cope with pain and with loss"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I wrote this blog initially in February 2023 for KETR.org, the website for East Texas A&M University’s public radio station. I want to share it here to report that my journey from the darkness of sorrow has progressed nicel<\/em>y.<\/p>\n

Here is a general assumption most will agree is true: Almost every human being who\u2019s ever lived will undergo some form of grief or mourning, that they will struggle to recover emotionally from the loss of a loved one.<\/p>\n

Another assumption that is generally accepted is that all humans have their own way of processing that grief. They all deal with it differently from, say, their siblings or their parents or the aunts and uncles or their best friends.<\/p>\n

I am going through it myself. A little more than one month ago my wife of 51 years passed away from a savage form of brain cancer. You\u2019ve heard of glioblastoma, yes? It has taken the lives of notable politicians, such as U.S. Sens. John McCain and Ted Kennedy, as well as Beau Biden, the elder son of President Joe Biden.<\/p>\n

That it struck Kathy Anne down so rapidly and with such brutality only has worsened the grief I am feeling at this moment. We took her to the ER on Dec. 26, where the doctors informed us she had a mass in her brain. A surgeon took some of it out the next day. Kathy Anne was preparing for radiation and chemotherapy treatment when, on Jan. 26, she suffered a grand mal seizure \u2026 from which she never recovered. She passed away on Feb. 3.<\/p>\n

Here is another truth: Anyone who endures such loss must take comfort in this bit of truth: No one is alone in their struggle; others have gone through it before and for as long as human beings exist there will be many more who will suffer the immense pain far into the future.<\/p>\n

Does any of that lessen the pain in real time? Are we supposed to take that knowledge and then pass it off as something that will just go away \u2013 like a common cold or a headache? Not a chance.<\/p>\n

They write books about grief and mourning. The world is full of experts who profess to know how they have dealt with it and they impart knowledge to the rest of the world based on their own experience.<\/p>\n

Megan Devine is one such \u201cexpert\u201d on grief. She suffered a horrible loss when her partner, a fellow named Matt, drowned. Devine holds a master\u2019s degree in psychology and has written a book titled \u201cIt\u2019s OK That You\u2019re Not OK.\u201d<\/p>\n

She writes: \u201cWe all want to talk about our pain. We all carry stories that need acknowledgement. But right now? Right now, when you are in pain, when your loss is primary and powerful? That is not the time for a two-way, give-and-take discussion about the losses we all sustain. Grief comparison and shared grief stories do not bring you comfort. Of course they don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

I know of which she writes. Friends and family members want to say the correct words, except that when they tell you that they \u201cknow how you feel,\u201d they really\u00a0don\u2019t<\/i>\u00a0know. They cannot get into the heads or the hearts of the aggrieved. Those who can either are clairvoyant or they possess some unknown super-human power that is exclusive to them only.<\/p>\n

Nick Patras is head of counseling at Texas A&M University-Commerce; Patras earned his doctorate in counselor education. He has seen grief and mourning up close, first as an employee in the funeral industry and then as a counselor at TAMUC.<\/p>\n

\u201cOur focus here is on the students,\u201d Patras said, explaining that college students must deal with the \u201cdeath of a grandparent, a parent or even the death by suicide of friends. These students have to navigate their way through the mourning process.\u201d<\/p>\n

Grief and mourning, Patras said, \u201care unique to each individual. Their level of grief will depend on the level of the relationship with the individual they are mourning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Students, he said, also occasionally have to deal with a rather unique form of mourning. \u201cSometimes students who are on academic probation must deal with the loss of their educational and career aspirations,\u201d Patras said. \u201cStudents come here and enroll in pre-med, or pre-vet or pre-nursing,\u201d he said, \u201cand then they see their academic potential taken away. They decide that \u2018This just isn\u2019t for me.\u2019 Then they see their hopes and dreams are derailed. Many students then go into a form of mourning over that loss, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

We all have heard of the various \u201cstages of grief.\u201d They remain a mystery to many of us who are going through it. My own stages deal mostly with the intensity and frequency of emotion that pours forth unexpectedly. It comes without warning, although it is most common when the discussion turns to Kathy Anne. It is getting easier with each day \u2013 or maybe two \u2013 to discuss life with her without blubbering.<\/p>\n

One piece of advice that is worth retaining is to \u201clive each day as if it\u2019s your final day.\u201d Yes. I\u2019ll take that advice. Take nothing for granted and do not allow the little irritations to get you down. It\u2019s OK to burst out with anger, but then let it disappear.<\/p>\n

But as we trudge on through the beginning of the rest of our life it becomes easier to avoid even the angry bursts. Honest to goodness \u2026 it\u2019s true!<\/p>\n

Devine writes: \u201cThe way to live inside of grief is not by removing pain, but by doing what we can to reduce suffering. Knowing the difference between pain and suffering can help you understand what thing\u00a0can<\/i>\u00a0be changed and what things simply need your love and attention.\u201d<\/p>\n

Devine devotes a section of Chapter 7 to the difference between pain and suffering, noting: \u201cPain is pure and needs support rather than solutions, but suffering is different. Suffering can be fixed, or at least significantly reduced.\u201d Pain, she implies, remains in some form virtually for as long as we live.<\/p>\n

Kenneth Haugk founded Stephen Ministries after his wife died in 2002 of ovarian cancer. He is a pastor and a clinical psychologist who also has written a booklet, \u201cA Time to Grieve.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the book, he cites the \u201cThree Ns\u201d of grief. He calls it \u201cnormal, natural\u201d and \u201cnecessary.\u201d He writes, \u201c(S)ometimes people still feel pressured not to grieve. The message they receive is that grief is optional, abnormal, or even a sign of weakness. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Grief is a normal, natural and necessary process.\u201d Haugk implores us to \u201cgive yourself permission to grieve.\u201d<\/p>\n

I have no particular need to grant myself \u201cpermission\u201d to grieve. It comes naturally and easily.<\/p>\n

The only times I \u201capologize\u201d is when I cannot complete a sentence while speaking of Kathy Anne. The response always has been in the weeks since her passing that \u201cIt\u2019s OK. Take your time. I get it.\u201d The understanding from friends is most appreciated and, indeed, these words expressing that appreciation seem so inadequate.<\/p>\n

Feb. 3, 2023 was \u2013 without a doubt \u2013 the worst day of my life. I watched my bride slip away. The days that come along will be better than the previous days. President Biden \u2013 who lost his first wife and infant daughter in an auto accident in 1972, and then his grown son to glioblastoma in 2015 \u2013 tells us that one day we will smile when we think of those we have lost.<\/p>\n

I know that day is out there.<\/p>\n

The triumph over grief and mourning, Patras said, occurs when someone can \u201ccome to grips with the new reality and whether that new reality makes sense. It\u2019s all about making sense of that new reality.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s good to rely on the wisdom of those who have experienced deep emotional pain. As Megan Devine writes: \u201cNo one can enter the deepest heart of grief. We here, even the ones who know this magnitude of pain \u2013 we are not there with you inside your deepest grief. That intimacy is yours alone.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut together, we recognize each other and bow to the pain we see. Our hearts have held great, great sorrow. Through that pain, we can be there for each other. As our words knock on the doors of each other\u2019s hearts, we become way stations for each other.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe truth is, also: you are not alone.\u201dI wrote this blog initially in February 2023 for KETR.org, the website for East Texas A&M University’s public radio station. I want to share it here to report that my journey from the darkness of sorrow has progressed nicel<\/em>y.<\/p>\n\n

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I wrote this blog initially in February 2023 for KETR.org, the website for East Texas A&M University’s public radio station. I want to share it here to report that my journey from the darkness of sorrow has progressed nicely. Here is a general assumption most will agree is true: Almost every human being who\u2019s ever … Continue reading Learning to cope with pain and with loss<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[10124,9266],"class_list":["post-58765","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-local-news","tag-kathy-anne","tag-ketr"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58765","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=58765"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58765\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":58767,"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58765\/revisions\/58767"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=58765"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=58765"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/highplainsblogger.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=58765"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}